Dating Apps, Technology, and the Lost Art of Connection

Humans are social beings, we’re inherently hardwired to seek love and connection with others. Research conducted over 70-years found that at the end of people’s lives, it wasn’t the money or professional accomplishments that was most valued, it was the quality of close, meaningful relationship connections they had throughout their lifetime.¹

A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet

As children we were told not to talk to strangers in order to keep ourselves safe. As adults, however, not talking to strangers prevents us from meeting new people and having the opportunity to create those meaningful relationships. Every relationship, romantic or otherwise, starts with a hello. Easier said than done sometimes, right? Especially in a romantic sense, telling someone you find him or her interesting, attractive, and would like to get to know them can be an incredibly vulnerable experience.

Dating Apps and Dopamine

Online dating apps help remove some of the initial ambiguity in dating by lessening the vulnerability of putting yourself out there and making the first move. With a simple “swipe right,” users can anonymously express interest in someone and, if the feeling is mutual, connect with a potential partner all from the safety and comfort of their own homes. Dating app “swiping” can take on a video game like quality, but instead of collecting points, users collect matches. Being provided with a convenient plethora of people who have already expressed interest in you through “matching” with a potential partner can be a really good feeling. Neurologically, if your brain deems “matching” as a pleasurable experience, you’ll release a brain chemical called dopamine, which is associated with love, lust, gambling, and even drug use.² Getting a “hit” of dopamine makes us want to continue the behavior that caused it and, in the case of dating apps, increase the desire to continue the “serial swipe.” While matching on apps can feel good and rewarding, by having your head down in your phone and being consumed in technology, you could miss a great opportunity to meet someone IRL.

The Demands of the Perfectionist Culture

Meeting someone in person rather than online can feel much more authentic and vulnerable. Online dating provides the opportunity to present ones’ “ideal self” in a way that you’re unable to do IRL (in real life). In fact, one study found that 53% of participants in the U.S. admitted to having lied on their online dating profile.³ Through creating an online profile, users have the ability to control first impressions of potential partners through word-smithing, witty bios that portray yourself in an idealized light, and being able to filter or retouch any perceived imperfection in photos. In extreme forms, rather than seeking a partner who is intrigued and excited by your authentic person, you’ll attract someone who is interested in the ideal self you’ve created. This can have the potential to breed into a perfectionistic culture, which sends the message of needing to be flawless in order to be loveable.

The Relationship Between Vulnerability and Connection

Here’s the thing though, perfection is an unrealistic concept as being human means you’re perfectly imperfect. Putting yourself out there in this way opens you up to the possibility of rejection. Not only can feeling rejected bruise our egos in the moment, but neuroscientists have found that social rejection activates the same part of your brain as experiencing physical pain.⁴ Here’s the catch-22: you can’t have the possibility of connection without the potential of rejection. Being vulnerable in this way is an inherent necessity to seeking the connections you’re longing for. The more you gain self-awareness, compassion, and acceptance of yourself, the more others will too.

References:

¹ https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

²  https://splinternews.com/yes-you-can-actually-be-addicted-to-tinder-1793844982

³ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mating-game/201609/the-ugly-truth-about-online-dating

⁴ http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection.aspx

Lindsay is a doctoral candidate at California School of Professional Psychology. She encourages patients to develop an authentic understanding of themselves and to become curious about how their inner world affects their experiences. Drawing from object relations theory and attachment theory, she works with patients to embrace their vulnerability and courage to address a variety of topics including life transitions, identity formation and overcoming loss.