Three days post-Thanksgiving, Jane walked into her local market and was assaulted by the onslaught of the holiday season’s joyous messages. The loudspeaker was cooing, “Baby, it’s cold outside” and yet Jane was in shorts and a tank because the outside temperature was in the low 90’s. Jane felt that familiar dread and panic that the holidays usually induced in her, but this year, she also began to feel unusually anxious.
Yet, popular culture tells Jane that she is supposed to be happy because… it’s the most wonderful time of the year! But Jane does not feel happy at all — it is not cold outside, she feels that the holidays are a commercial nightmare and she is also struggling with an overpowering sense of inadequacy with her place in life, as it isn’t much different than last year. She has a strained relationship with her family, and in moments of quiet at home, she admits to herself that she rather not see them; however, she is guilted into soon taking a trip back home, which quite frankly, feels nothing like it.
While Jane can try and shop for that magic remote like you see in Click with Adam Sandler—the remote that smoothly fast-forwards one past difficult events—we know the end of this movie: she isn’t going to find it, even with Amazon Prime. Some holiday deals are simply too good to be true.
So what is Jane (and many of our fellow Angelenos) experiencing?
In psychological terms, Jane’s experience is known as cognitive dissonance. That is, stress and discomfort caused by acting in ways that are against how she really feels. She is going shopping for holiday gifts she’d rather not give, planning a trip she’d rather not go on, and feeling lonely and sober when ‘tis the season to wrap oneself in others’ affection and eggnogs. We each experience our version of this in different times in our lives, and some of us — specifically during this time of year, and it could prove enlightening to notice those instances where we experience our version of cognitive dissonance and learn to make use of them.
Some helpful ways to handle your cognitive dissonance this holiday season
Psychologists consider a few ways of lowering cognitive dissonance. One is to change one’s attitude about the conflict. For example, Jane can adjust her beliefs to remind herself that the season will not last forever and that she will get through it. Another action Jane can take is to shorten her trip back home and use the rest of her vacation days for some solo-travel to reconnect with nature. Jane can also find something new and positive to do during the holidays to create a new memory or belief, that would constitute her own tradition, like volunteer to take rescue dogs for walks or offer her time and services to a local homeless shelter. Some important personal explorations that Jane can do are journaling, talking to a friend or consulting a psychotherapist about the reactions and memories that this season brings up for her. This process could illuminate hidden feelings or triggers to be worked through, so that next year, Jane may have a less dissonant experience of the holiday season. Some of these things are hard to do when you’re already feeling down and out-of-place, and this is where support can really lift you up, even if it’s just enough to feel less alone in your holiday funk.
Loneliness is one of the greatest issues of the holiday season and depression is a common occurrence, which can be exacerbated when the depressed person is constantly bombarded with holly jolly crowds, loud promotions or our L.A. entertainment venues that insist everyone joins in the festivities. Here at WILA we are actively familiar with these experiences of loneliness, depression, and anxiety, that often accompany many of our community members during the holiday season. If Jane’s story resonates with you and if this season triggers certain painful feelings or memories that you believe are worth exploring, consider giving us a call at (424) 371-5191 to talk to one of our therapists about these and other experiences that may call for your attention.
And keep in mind — some holiday traditions are not mandatory, so it may be quite acceptable to sit in your tanks and shorts with a good book at home instead of forcing yourself to dress up in your ugly sweater and drink eggnog till you pass out.
Have a peaceful holiday season!
